Generations

​Notes from a few nights ago:

Slightly surreal. I'm in a pizza place and they're playing Hotel California. TV just showed two guys voting for best basketball players of all time,and I agreed with the 40-somethings at the next table: Michael Jordan, Kareem, Wilt Chamberlin, Magic, Larry Bird, etc. 

No Kobe Bryant or any of the newer players.

Why do I feel like I'm stuck in the 80s?

And then as I'm leaving, I walk by a kid charging his iPhone...

Oh, hello reality!

Home

My friends and I have been discussing something in a Facebook thread, and I thought part of it would make a good blog post. With pictures! The conversation started with an article about how writing is a really healthy activity, fights depression, etc., and as it continued, one of my fellow MKs asked,

Is there a theme running through here? Why are/were so many of us raised overseas fighting depression? Is there something missing that we long for?

I answered that we all longed for "home."

And my response made me remember something that happened a few years back.

I went back to Hong Kong in 2005 for a long-planned visit. I had originally planned to go in 2003, but SARS hit, so I decided to wait a bit (that death thing)... Anyway, when I finally got there, I sent an email back to the family with the subject line:

I'm HOME! ;-)

and described how wonderful the Peninsula Hotel was -- yes, I stayed there two nights (BEST DECISION EVER!). I moved to the Kowloon Hotel for about five nights and then spent the last two nights at the Silvermine Beach hotel. When I finally got back to DC, I sent my family another email to let them know I was back in the US, safe and sound.

A few weeks later, I was looking through all of the emails I wrote back and forth with my family and I suddenly realized that the entirety of that LAST email, the one from my apartment in Bethesda, MD (DC area), was:

Subject: Hi honey...

I'm hooooome!  Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

(Pics are uploading to the computer as I type, so I'll write more tomorrow, with exhibits! Yay!)

And it hit me. "I'm hoooooome!" I *had* finally found a place to call home! My HK home was really not there anymore, but I had found a place that reminded me of it, but was different... in good ways and bad, but mostly good. That realization had a profound impact on me and my happiness!

And I'm still in DC!

And now for the pics... (Go here for all of the pictures from my Hong Kong trip. These are just the hotels...)

Peninsula Hotel, Hong Kong. About 1/4 of the room.

Peninsula Hotel, Hong Kong. Goodies!

Kowloon Hotel. Next door to the Peninsula, but a little more cramped.

Silvermine Beach Hotel. Really old, but it's on a beach on Lantau Island.

DC

Remembering Memorial Day

I took this picture on Memorial Day, 2012, after listening to the Memorial Day concert and seeing President Obama placing a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Something I'm not sure people know is that every visitor to Arlington Cemetery that day (and maybe others) was given two roses as they stood in line to get on the shuttle, by volunteers. As they gave us the roses, they asked that we keep one rose and give the other one to a soldier.

D. R. Smith - May 28, 2012

So, when you think about it, what this picture demonstrates -- in addition to the cost of war and freedom -- is that each of these soldiers was specifically remembered that day, probably by someone they had never met. 

I think that is pretty cool.

Goooooood morning!

I woke up at 5:30am today, and tossed and turned as I tried to go back to sleep.

Last night’s Supernatural episode was great, Dean is such a tortured character, and that was probably what Jared meant in that interview that “Dean gets some action” this season. Apparently, Jensen didn’t remember because HE didn’t get the action, the teenage Dean did. Man, I love those guys. I finally got caught up and now I love watching the earlier shows because they are such BABIES then! Can’t believe I waited eight years to get into the show And interesting twist on the Walking Dead with the Governor being almost, kinda, possibly likable. I liked that he turned down the corner of the picture to show that he is no longer that guy. He’s got his Penny substitute and even HE got some action (poor Dean!)! But no Daryl and Carol. I hear that there’s going to be another Governor only episode and then just one more before the “mid-season” break. That sucks. I don’t know about that “Almost Human” show yet. Have to watch it again I think. No Daryl for another episode? I really REALLY want to see the reaction to Rick kicking Carol out of the prison. Oh man, I’ve got to finish that template at work today. And get the timeline for that other project. I hope Calypso is OK, at least he has pooped for the last two days and he’s beginning to eat his old dry food again. And how am I going to follow-up on that other project? I wonder what our 2014 schedule will be… I wonder if I can get a refund on all of that special food he won’t touch? It’s so expensive, but probably not. And I really have to run a couple of times this week so that I’ll be ready for the Turkey Trot next week. And I get to see Kingsley and Annie! And the fam! I need to call Mom & Dad. I need to make that squash and parsnips recipe to see if I like it so I can take it to Cathy’s. I need to figure out how I can pay her back and pay for car repairs. Or just leave them until next month. I really liked Thor, and I love those guys too. Talk about bromances! Ooo, I think Supernatural should do a take on “Some Like It Hot” – that would be hilarious! Castiel would be the guy at the end, “nobody’s perfect!” hahahaha! “Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony meow meow meow…” Tonight is Montana’s last night, I’ve got to text Eddie and Sharon. I have too many TV shows now dang, what time is it? The alarm is probably about to go off...

5:36am.

*sigh*

Home

A friend posted a picture on Facebook on Saturday, and it perfectly captured my "favoritest" place in the world, Laan Tau Mountain Camp. 

It looks like it was taken from the last part of the trail, and you can see the caretaker's hut on the left, the Mess Hall in the middle and Cathedral Rock in the distance. It's perfect! So, I was searching for more pics of Cathedral Rock on Laan Tau, and found something I wrote on the HKIS Dragontrain a long time ago. (How weird is that?)

Someone had asked “Where is ‘home’?” which led to a LOT of great memories. Most of the people on the Dragontrain newsgroup graduated earlier than I did, but we had a lot in common. Here is what I wrote way back then:

It sounds like we have a lot of Laan Tau memories in common! Of course most of mine came later, when the Chinese amahs quit cooking at the mess hall and the Laan Tau Mountain Camp association started hiring teenagers and moms that were planning to be there anyway to work in the kitchen on a week to week basis during the season. I'm proud to say that I was one of the first"table setters" in Jr. High and I worked my way up through "kitchen assistant"to become the Head Cook during summers back from college. WHAT an experience!

They paid everyone a pittance, and provided meals for everyone but the table setters, but the best part was that it allowed me to stay up on top of "my mountain" for 3/4 of the season! I'm not sure when they started hiring teenage boys to be coolies, but I know Dave was one, along with Rodney Ingram and others.

One of my favorite memories of those times was when a bunch of us kids took over Cabin #9 for a couple of weeks -- our "adult" chaperons were Rodney Ingram and Jo Daley, both 19 at the time! Total insanity...
Of course, the many typhoons when all the teenagers somehow got "trapped" in one cabin (usually #18 or #24) and had to have marathon Spit and Nertz tournaments to pass the time...

Another memory is going up for the Moon Festival, which was supposed to feature a full moon and eclipse -- and even though the clouds obscured the earth's orbiting companion, Rodney was nice enough to provide us with a total eclipse of his full moon! :-) What a loon!

My favorite place in HK (and the world) has always been Cathedral Rock -- in fact, I've written two poems about it (one in high school and one in '95)!

Actually I'm not much of a writer, but I don't think I can write what Laan Tau or Hong Kong mean to me any better than the poem I wrote in 1995, so if you'll forgive me for seeming to toot my own horn, here it is:

Cathedral Rock 
(Gigs, 1995)

I've sat here all my life
watching my world
with Hong Kong in the distance
and China lurking just behind

I've watched the fun as the sunlight faded
players navigating the rocks in the Saddle
lovers walking slowly up to Sunset Peak
teenagers performing Shakespeare on Table Rock

I've heard their echoes through the darkness
moms calling the little ones to bed
cowbells tinkling the rhythms of the herd
skinny dippers laughing their inhibitions off

I've sat here through typhoons and sunshine
laughing until I cried
crying until I laughed
sitting -- just sitting
and watching my world

I've seen the sun rise on the last of the British Empire
and now I see it setting

And I miss my home
with Hong Kong in the distance
and China lurking just behind.

Depression

Depression – it’s not all a barrel of laughs.

I woke up this morning with that thought, or something like it, running through my brain. It’s currently 6:49am and I’ve been wrestling with those thoughts for over an hour so I finally decided to get out of bed, write and get them out.

As you may have noticed, this has been a pretty crap year for me so far. Which bugs me because it’s supposed to be “my year” – it’s the Year of the Rabbit, and I’m a Rabbit! And Rabbits are supposed to be really lucky!  But nooooooooooooooooooo….

I was depressed before this year started, but I think things have gotten worse. I’ve been in therapy and on and off of a light dose of Lexapro for a few years now (ever since I had a boss who LITERALLY drove me crazy). It all started because I was just angry all the time. I’m a pretty happy type of person generally speaking, so when I realized that I was pissed off at everybody and couldn’t control it, I thought maybe, just maybe, there was a problem. Especially when I also realized that I was taking out my anger on my friends and for no apparent reason. (Yeah, depression is fun: you don't take it out on the people who really deserve it, you save it all up for yourself and your loved ones...)

My family have a history of depression which helped my self-diagnosis, but even more importantly, helped me feel comfortable seeking help. It was something like: I need help, therefore I will get help! It was also fortunate that I had been told "if one therapist doesn’t work for you, try, try again!" I had tried a psychiatrist years before and been told that my parents had abused me because I had been born in Hong Kong and moved around a lot as a kid. Funny thing was that the person who told me this was a foreign-born national who had moved around a lot as a kid. Hmmm, projection much?

ANYWAY – I was very lucky to find a great psychiatrist who has even become my talk therapist after a disastrous attempt with someone else who decided I had PTSD… because that was her specialty.  *sigh*

…

And I’m doing it again. I have a tendency to start talking about something and then veering off into tangents. They might be related, but they aren’t really the point with which I started. Ever noticed that? ;-)

…

What I started out writing about this morning was what’s going on with me now and how it’s not a whole lot of fun. I have gotten almost paralyzed socially, but I think I hide it well until something comes up that makes it impossible to hide. Like these last two weekends.u

Las weekend I almost backed out of going to (very good) friend’s birthday party because a) I might have to stay over night and b) a lot of people I don’t know would be there. I had really bad allergies and felt miserable, but I made myself get off my couch and get out there. Luckily, another friend offered me a ride so I didn’t have to drive OR stay overnight -- I had already gotten myself into “go to the party” mode on my own, but that helped a lot! I had a great time and even played horse shoes for the first time!

Last night I was planning to go to a party with friends I haven’t seen in YEARS for a semi-reunion of sorts, in honor of another friend’s birthday.  I was really looking forward to seeing everyone again and hanging out with them. So, I woke up yesterday with what I thought was a bad hangover. Yes, I drank a lot on Friday night, but I stopped around 12:30am and got food and drank water. I was home by 1:30am and drank more water, took Advil, and was asleep by 2am. I woke up around 9am, made Toad-in-the-Hole (my new favorite breakfast), then sat on the couch and caught up with work and stuff. And suddenly, I felt chills and fever and just felt awful. I took some allergy drugs and then a nap and still felt crappy. I again thought it was just a bad hangover and allergies (the weather changed considerably between Friday and Saturday), so I thought getting up and out of the house might help.  So, I went to a movie (“Money Ball” – quite enjoyable).

Enjoyed the movie, walked around the street fair a little, then got a coffee and came back home. And within 30 minutes was back in bed, under the covers, shivering and snuggling with my warm, fuzzy kitty. I took some cold drugs and then slept for a few more hours.  Woke up and called my friends and told them that I was just feeling too lousy to go to their party after all.

And today, I feel a lot better physically, but I wonder if all of that “illness” was just anxiety? Depression? 

My depression isn’t one of those where I have to convince myself each morning that I really should not kill myself. It’s much less demanding than that. Or maybe not – because it’s really more of just having to convince myself to get out of bed. No, I can do that when it’s work I have to get to, but if it’s a social thing, then it really takes an effort for me.  And I’ve noticed that it has gotten REALLY hard for me to get my butt off of my couch and exercise. I’m signed up to do the Marine Corps Marathon (MCM) 10k at the end of this month. I’ve been signed up since June and I will be running with my nieces and nephew in honor of my brother… but I can NOT get myself to work out and train for it!

Why?

I don’t know.

And it upsets me.

Maybe I should do as Professor Hathway suggests and “up the voltage” heehee