Thursday, May 20, 2010


My sister has started writing a blog about her battle(s) with her weight and how she is winning the battle.  It's most interesting to me because I followed her into a lot of those battles!  When I was in High School, I felt I was WAAaaaay overweight - and looking back, I realize that I was NOT overweight, I was just athletic and had big boobs!   Probably the fact that my brother decided to "protect" me from all of his guy friends by hanging the nickname "Ugly" on me didn't help much either, but that's a story for another time.  The thing is, my senior year, I decided to stop "dieting" and working out (I did shot put, track, and swim team)... and I lost 25 lbs in about two weeks. 

As I said in the comments on my sister's blog: For me, my weight battle is not so much about winning, it's more about being happy with who I am.  So, I am beginning to embrace my "fattitude" and realize that my weight and my general appearance really DO have a lot to do with my attitude and how I'm feeling.  Heck, if I don't love me, why should anyone else?  Right?   (Thank Phred for therapy! hahaha)

I learned a loooooong time ago that if I ever try to ban something from my diet, I crave it almost obsessively.  No more chocolate!  I WANT HERSHEY'S!!!  No more red meat!  ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME???  No more broccoli!  Hey, that stuff is good for you!  I'll eat as much as I want, so there...   No more sex!  *sigh*

Instead of eliminating the "bad" stuff from my diet, I've been able to reduce the amount of it I eat.  For example:  I would be a great vegetarian...  except for that burger thing.  I loooooooove burgers!  Cheeseburgers!  My favorite is with crispy bacon and blue cheese crumbles... oh YUM!  My doctor would probably call that "heart attack on a plate" and she'd be right.  I used to eat burgers a couple of times a week, because Nanny's makes AWESOME burgers - and burgers have made a sort of culinary renaissance lately so there are numerous "fancy" burger joints around.  I started out telling myself I could only have one burger a week, and then eventually switched to one a month.  The thing is, I realized recently that there have been months when I have more than one burger (such as this one), but then... there are also several months when I don't have a burger at all.  All it has really done is help me be more aware of what I am eating.  Instead of ALWAYS getting the burger, I'll think about how many I've had in the last few weeks.  I've also started getting a salad with my burger instead of fries.  Not really a big thing because I'm not really a big French Fries fan.  They're all right, but give me a good salad with black olives and ranch dressing and I'm a goner!  (Yeah, "healthy" salad... but better than fries!)  The good thing?  My cholesterol has gone down from "just over the border" to "just under the border".  And I feel better.

The other thing I've done is start exercising again.  DC recently opened a gorgeous, FREE 50-meter pool near my house, and I've got a gym in the basement of my building.  With the weather (hopefully) turning nice, I hope to start running again... especially since I'm signed up to do the Army Ten Miler again in October!  Swimming is still my favorite exercise, even though you have to wear a bathing suit.  It just feels so good!  I told a friend once that swimming just makes me feel long and lean.  I'm 5'2" and well, not lean, but swimming makes me feel um... long and lean! What's not to like? :-)

Hmmmmm- I think I've been babbling.  But that's a good thing, right?  At least I'm writing, and I'm thinking, and I'm alive.  Life is good.  Sure beats the alternative!

OK - one last thing, name the movie:

Just remember:  No matter where you go, there you are!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I just read the most amazing story about bravery and just loved his definition:

Bravery isn’t being fearless. Fearlessness is idiocy. It’s why they recruit Marines so young.
Being brave means being scared as hell and doing what you’ve got to do anyway.
Well, the story is about cancer and depression, which sounds really depressing, but... it's not.  It's about friendship and truth and life.

Go check it out:  And I'm Not Lying

I've had therapists like his and wish I had the cojones to say what he did!

Edited to add:  And I didn't even realize the irony of my throw-away line at the end until JUST NOW!  LOL *smack head*

Friday, May 14, 2010

Self Indulgent Rant

There's been something bothering me lately.  It all started around Mother's Day, a day which is like any other Sunday, except that it has been put aside as the day to celebrate all mothers as the wonderful human beings they are because they gave birth to someone.

But that's not true.  Just giving birth does not automatically make a person wonderful.  Just ask Renee Bowman's daughters.  But that's also not the point of this post. 

In the last several years, I've had several married friends who have been unable to get pregnant naturally, so they have gone through IVF and other tortures in the desperate attempt to have children.  Sadly, these attempts have not worked, so to them, Mother's Day is just a big fat slap in the face.  As is any pregnant belly that accosts them at work or the store, or whatever.  I love them and I feel for them, I really do.  I think it would be great to have little versions of them running around in the world, especially because I would TOTALLY spoil them rotten.  I think they would probably be great parents, and I empathize with them on the fact that they can't have children. 

The problem is that really, neither can I.  Well, I don't know if it is still physically possible, but realistically, I can't have children either.  Why?  I'm single.  I haven't had a steady boyfriend in years, and it doesn't really look like I'm going to get one anytime soon.  Or ever. 

I've said this before, and people have responded with "Well, couldn't you do the sperm donor thing?"  And they are completely missing the point:  why would I want to create a child with some stranger who happens to meet whatever impersonal criteria I put on an application?  Shouldn't a child be created out of love?  Should I create a child just so that I can get the love I don't have in my life?  That's just stupid. Quite honestly, I'm tired of being alone.  But I'm not going to purposefully create a life just to keep me company.  I have a cat for that.

But I think I would have been a great parent too, mostly because I'm a pretty good aunt (which I love being), but… it would have been nice to be able to have a child with someone I loved and who loved me and with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life, watching our kids grow up.  My childless friends seem to forget that at least they have that person in their lives, even if they don't have the kids. 

So – what's my point?  I think this started really bothering me when one friend asked me how another friend who has been going through all the IVF stuff survived Mother's Day.  I understood her concern, but the conversation went on and on about how sad it was to know that "you and your husband" couldn't have kids, and it just bothered me.  I felt that my own heartbreak didn't matter.

And it does matter. It's the sort of thing that gets a girl depressed, which certainly doesn't help her meet and fall in love with the perfect man who will whisk her away on his Fluffy White Horse and swear his love and fidelity forever and ever and kiss her JUST right and they'll all live happily ev … *cough*   Sorry about that... went off into Fantasyland there for a sec!  ;-)

Anyway, self-indulgent rant over.  I just wanted to say that there is another viewpoint in all of this.  Yes, it's awful when you go through all of that and realize that your body just can't do what you need it to do.  Just think how horrible you would feel if your body could do it, but there was no one to do it with. 

OK, I'm going to see Robin Hood tonight so I can fantasize about a bearded rebel wearing leather and riding a big white horse.  And don't worry, I'm seeing my therapist next week.  :-)    (And get your mind out of the gutter.)

Hugs and kisses, kiddycats!