Friday, May 14, 2010

Self Indulgent Rant

There's been something bothering me lately.  It all started around Mother's Day, a day which is like any other Sunday, except that it has been put aside as the day to celebrate all mothers as the wonderful human beings they are because they gave birth to someone.

But that's not true.  Just giving birth does not automatically make a person wonderful.  Just ask Renee Bowman's daughters.  But that's also not the point of this post. 

In the last several years, I've had several married friends who have been unable to get pregnant naturally, so they have gone through IVF and other tortures in the desperate attempt to have children.  Sadly, these attempts have not worked, so to them, Mother's Day is just a big fat slap in the face.  As is any pregnant belly that accosts them at work or the store, or whatever.  I love them and I feel for them, I really do.  I think it would be great to have little versions of them running around in the world, especially because I would TOTALLY spoil them rotten.  I think they would probably be great parents, and I empathize with them on the fact that they can't have children. 

The problem is that really, neither can I.  Well, I don't know if it is still physically possible, but realistically, I can't have children either.  Why?  I'm single.  I haven't had a steady boyfriend in years, and it doesn't really look like I'm going to get one anytime soon.  Or ever. 

I've said this before, and people have responded with "Well, couldn't you do the sperm donor thing?"  And they are completely missing the point:  why would I want to create a child with some stranger who happens to meet whatever impersonal criteria I put on an application?  Shouldn't a child be created out of love?  Should I create a child just so that I can get the love I don't have in my life?  That's just stupid. Quite honestly, I'm tired of being alone.  But I'm not going to purposefully create a life just to keep me company.  I have a cat for that.

But I think I would have been a great parent too, mostly because I'm a pretty good aunt (which I love being), but… it would have been nice to be able to have a child with someone I loved and who loved me and with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life, watching our kids grow up.  My childless friends seem to forget that at least they have that person in their lives, even if they don't have the kids. 

So – what's my point?  I think this started really bothering me when one friend asked me how another friend who has been going through all the IVF stuff survived Mother's Day.  I understood her concern, but the conversation went on and on about how sad it was to know that "you and your husband" couldn't have kids, and it just bothered me.  I felt that my own heartbreak didn't matter.

And it does matter. It's the sort of thing that gets a girl depressed, which certainly doesn't help her meet and fall in love with the perfect man who will whisk her away on his Fluffy White Horse and swear his love and fidelity forever and ever and kiss her JUST right and they'll all live happily ev … *cough*   Sorry about that... went off into Fantasyland there for a sec!  ;-)

Anyway, self-indulgent rant over.  I just wanted to say that there is another viewpoint in all of this.  Yes, it's awful when you go through all of that and realize that your body just can't do what you need it to do.  Just think how horrible you would feel if your body could do it, but there was no one to do it with. 

OK, I'm going to see Robin Hood tonight so I can fantasize about a bearded rebel wearing leather and riding a big white horse.  And don't worry, I'm seeing my therapist next week.  :-)    (And get your mind out of the gutter.)

Hugs and kisses, kiddycats!


Emily Grace said...

I'm crying. I don't even really know why-- except that you are right, you are an amazing aunt, and you'd be an awesome mom, too. And when you hurt, I hurt. I love you! And can't wait for next Saturday.

Giggles said...

Awwww sweetie! *hugs* I love you too! :-)

Anonymous said...

That's why I left you a "Happy Aunt's Day" message on Mother's Day. The day is not inclusive enough in my opinion. My kids adore you (as if you didn't know) and you are their second Mom. I'm glad you put your 'rant' out there. Love you.

Rusty's Gal Snuggie said...

Gigs - words fail me and YOU know what a shock that is. I love you my sister from another mother and I always will. You'll never be alone - I have our old age home all picked out and the TV with Blueray in storage. All that is left is who gets control of the remote control.

Giggles said...

:-) Loves you too! And *I* get the remote control... LOL